Thor's Wedding


'Ah, what a lovely maid it is!' by Elmer Boyd Smith


Thor woke up, covered in sweat. ‘Ahh, the Draugr are coming to get me!’ he screamed.


Sif opened her eyes. ‘No need to be afraid. It was just a nightmare. Go back to sleep.’


Thor rolled over. ‘I wasn’t afraid,’ he said. ‘The mighty Thor isn’t afraid of anything. If the Draugr did come for me, I’d knock their skulls off with Mjolnir.’


He felt for his hammer beside the bed to make sure it was still there.


It was gone!


Thor sat up and looked around.


His hammer was nowhere to be seen.


‘Mjolnir’s gone!’ he shouted.


Sif groaned. ‘It’ll turn up. We’ll look for it in the morning.’


Thor threw off his covers and got out of bed. ‘I can’t sleep knowing my hammer’s missing. What if the Draugr attack?’


‘Well, look for it then. I’m going back to sleep. I’m tired.’


‘But, aren’t you going to help me? You’re better at looking for things than me.’


‘I’m sure you’ll be fine on your own.’ Sif rolled over and went back to sleep.


‘Ok,’ Thor whispered loudly. ‘I’ll try not to make too much noise.’


He loudly tip-toed to the cupboard. Before opening it, he glanced back to see if Sif was still sleeping. She was.


Thor sighed and began rummaging through the cupboard.


‘For crying out loud! Can’t you do anything quietly?’ Sif threw the covers off and got out of bed.


‘Sorry. Was I too noisy? I tried my best not to wake you.’


Sif glared at Thor.


‘Honest,’ he added sheepishly. ‘If you want, you can go back to bed, and I’ll try to be even quieter.’


I’m up now,’ Sif snapped. She barged Thor aside and started searching for Mjolnir.


Thor stepped back and smiled.


They ransacked their entire halls.


‘You may be right,’ Sif said. ‘Your hammer is gone.’


‘Perhaps someone has taken it?’ Thor said.


‘But who would be so brazen to sneak into your halls and steal your hammer?’


‘I think I have an idea.’ Thor clenched his fists and stormed to Loki’s halls.


Sif went back to bed.


‘Loki. Open up,’ Thor yelled. ‘Mjolnir’s missing, and I know you took it.’ He banged on Loki’s door. ‘Give it back this instant!’


Loki opened the door. ‘Your hammer’s missing?’


‘Of course, it’s missing. You took it.’


‘It sounds like something I would do, but I’m afraid it wasn’t me this time.’


Thor scratched his head. ‘It has to be you. It’s always you. Do you think I’m stupid?’


Loki grinned and changed the subject. ‘If you like, I can ask around.’


‘I’ll give you an hour,’ Thor said. ‘I’ll be in the mead hall.’


Loki sighed. He transformed into a crow and flew to Jotunheim.


When Loki returned to Asgard, he went to the mead hall. Thor sat at a table, surrounded by empty mugs.


‘I have news about Mjolnir.’


Thor burped. ‘Finally.’


‘Your hammer was stolen by the giant, Thrym, and he will not return it to you unless Freya agrees to marry him.’


‘What are we waiting for then.’ Thor wiped his mouth and got up.’


They went to Freya’s halls and knocked on her door.


‘So, how are we going to do this?’ Thor asked Loki.


‘Whatever we say, we’ll have to be tactful.'


‘It’ll probably be best if I do all the talking, then. I don’t think Freya likes you that much,’ Thor told Loki.


‘Why would you say that?’


‘Because none of us really like you that much.’


Loki nodded. ‘Fair point.’


Freya opened the door.


‘Hello, Freya. You’re looking especially beautiful today.’


Freya squinted at Thor. ‘What do you want?’


‘You know how you’re always saying how much you’d like to find a nice husband?’


Freya shook her head. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever said that.’


‘Let’s agree to disagree, then. Anyway, I’ve found you the perfect husband. He’s tall. He’s strong. He—’


Freya interrupted him. ‘He has your hammer, doesn’t he?’


‘He might have.’


‘And he will only give it to you if I agree to marry him?’


‘Maybe.’


Freya looked at Thor and then at Loki. ‘No,’ she said, slamming the door.


Loki patted Thor on the back. ‘A fine performance there.’


Thor scowled at Loki. ‘What now?’


Loki stroked his chin. ‘I have a plan. If he wants Freya, let’s give him Freya.’


‘But she’s already said no.’


Loki smiled. ‘Let me talk to her.’ He stepped forward and knocked on her door. ‘Freya, I have a plan, and I think you’re going to like it.’


The door opened. ‘I’m listening,’ Freya said.


‘What if we were to dress Thor as you and send him instead?’


Freya looked at Thor’s bushy red beard. ‘Isn’t he a bit hairy to pass as me?’


‘That’s the thing. Thor will be wearing a veil. Nobody will see his face.’


‘But how will that help me get my hammer back,’ Thor asked.


‘Leave that to me,’ Loki said.


‘Can I dress him up?’ Freya asked.


‘You can.’


Thor stamped his feet. ‘Don’t I get a say? Why can’t you be Freya, Loki?’


‘Because it’s not my hammer that’s been stolen.’


‘Fine. But let it be known that I’m not happy with this plan.’


‘It’ll be alright,’ Freya said. ‘You’ll be the prettiest bride in all of the nine worlds when I’m done with you.’ She grabbed his hand and dragged him inside.


Freya gave Thor an assortment of her finest bracelets to wear. She painted his nails yellow and shaved off his knuckle hair.


Loki, in the meantime, had the best dressmakers in Asgard make a beautiful wedding gown that would cover every inch of Thor’s hairy body.


Hermod was sent to Jotunheim to inform Thrym that Freya had agreed to his proposal.


‘I still don’t like this plan,’ Thor said when the day of the wedding came. He wore a flowing blue wedding gown and a veil decorated with bright gemstones.


‘We heard you the last twenty times,’ Loki said. ‘I’ve told you, though. This is the only way to get your hammer back. You should be thankful to Freya for lending you her jewellery and chariot.’


‘I am,’ Thor whined. ‘I just didn’t appreciate her giggling at me when I was getting ready.’


‘She told you that she had a funny joke stuck in her head. It was nothing to do with you.’


Freya’s chariot approached Thrym’s grand feasting hall. It was an enormous stone structure, propped up by nine thick pillows.


‘Remember the plan?’ Loki asked.


Thor nodded. He had been told not to speak once they arrived.


A giant in a long silk tunic was waiting for them. ‘Thrym is inside, awaiting your arrival,’ he said


Thor got out of the chariot and awkwardly curtsied.


The giant smiled apologetically and led them both inside.


The feasting halls were bristling with giants. Some were singing slurred songs. Some were banging on tables.


‘Took your time, didn’t you?’ one of the giants yelled when she saw Thor. ‘I’m so hungry that I could eat a whole horse!’


‘Don’t worry,’ another said. ‘There will be plenty of horse meat for everyone.’


The giants cheered.


Thor noticed the feasting tables. There were spits with whole hogs on and platters covered in thick slabs of meat. There were bowls of meaty stews and plates piled high with flatbread.


Thor licked his lips.


Thrym stood up and outstretched his arms. He had a gold circlet around his head, and there was a jewelled sword hanging from his belt. ‘Come over here, my darling Freya.’


Thor and Loki went over to Thrym’s table.


‘Are you excited about our wedding?’ Thrym asked.


Thor didn’t know what to do. He turned to Loki.


‘Later tonight, it is Freya’s wish to sing you a song,’ Loki said. ‘She will not speak because she is saving her voice for then.’


Thor had not known about this. He kicked Loki in the shin.


‘I look forward to hearing your beautiful song later,’ Thyrm told them.


‘As do I,’ Loki said, smiling.


‘Shall we swear the wedding oaths first, or shall we begin the feast?’ Thrym asked Thor.


Thor leant forward and picked up a chicken leg from a bowl on the table. He waved it around furiously.


Thrym and Loki looked at him in astonishment.


‘Oh, I think she’s trying to say she wants to start the feast first,’ Loki eventually said.


Thor nodded his head vigorously.


‘Very well. Anything for my bride.’


Thor grabbed the bowl of chicken and began eating like a wild beast. He had to put his nose down to the bowl so he could part his veil without anyone seeing his face.


‘Freya’s got quite an appetite, hasn’t she?’ Thyrm said to Loki.


Loki nodded. ‘She hasn’t eaten anything all week to look her best for today.’


Thor tossed a chicken bone onto the floor and continued.


Once the feast had gone on for some time, Thrym stood up.


‘Now, my bride and I will swear the marital oaths.’


The giants all groaned. They put down their food and looked up.


Thor carried on eating.


Loki tapped him.


‘We can continue the feast afterwards,’ Thrym said.


Thor reluctantly put down his chicken leg and pulled his veil back over his face. He stood up.


Thrym cleared his throat. ‘I swear—’


‘Sorry to interrupt you. But what are we using to sanctify this marriage?’ Loki asked. ‘An Aesir cannot enter into an unsanctified union, after all.’


‘I hadn’t thought about that. What do you usually use in Asgard?’


‘We usually use Mjolnir.’


‘Very well.’ Thrym turned to one of the giants. ‘Fetch Mjolnir from my vaults.’


The hammer was brought out and laid on Thrym’s table.


Thor’s hand twitched.


‘Is that better?’


‘Much better,’ Loki said.


Thor threw off his veil. ‘Finally,’ he said, picking up his hammer.


He went on to kill every last giant in the feasting hall.


When it was over, Thor turned back to Loki. ‘You know, your plan wasn’t that bad after all.’ His wedding gown was drenched in giant blood.


‘Now that you’ve got your hammer, we can go back to Asgard.’


‘You must be kidding! Look at all this food.’ Thor sat on one of the benches and began eating.